NEW YORK—Commenting that there was “no way” the restaurant’s sanitation efforts were even close to acceptable, disgusted patio diner Caitlynn Simmons told reporters Wednesday she was pretty sure she just saw coronavirus scurry past her and into the bushes. “It was so gross, it ran from the inside of the restaurant right across my foot, and it felt wet,” said a visibly shuddering Simmons, as a nearby waiter rolled his eyes before commenting that this was bound to happen in a city that was infested with coronavirus. “Look, I’m just saying that it’s gross and it’s a hazard, so someone should call the health department if they have Covid-19 living back there in the kitchen. Plus, it’s not like diners are helping—two minutes ago, I saw the people at the table next to me sitting there, feeding it their fries.” At press time, Simmons remarked that even though it was gross, she couldn’t help but think the coronavirus babies she spotted living in the bushes were actually kind of cute.