A bedraggled CDC director urges Americans to beware of dangerous microorganisms lurking on every conceivable surface.

ATLANTA—Saying there was “no escape, no escape at all” from the deadly pathogens, disheveled Centers for Disease Control director Robert R. Redfield warned the nation Thursday from inside a sterilized plastic bubble that “invisible germs are crawling absolutely everywhere.”

Redfield, who sported a long, unkempt beard and wore a filthy suit as he held a press conference within a hermetically sealed office at the CDC headquarters, urged Americans to avoid all areas to which the virulent and highly contagious microbes are likely to have spread, including schools, offices, shopping centers, restaurants, places of worship, the entirety of the outdoors, and even one’s own home.

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“Initial findings indicate we are in the midst of a full-blown outbreak of imperceptible germs swarming over every conceivable surface, which is why I am calling on the federal government to declare a state of emergency,” said Redfield, pausing briefly in his prepared remarks as his gnarled, 6-inch-long fingernails seemed to cause him some difficulty with flipping to his next notecard. “Many of these microorganisms are airborne, so I encourage all citizens to quarantine themselves as soon as possible in a large protective sphere equipped with environmental controls and an air-filtration system, much like this one I have designed for myself and have lived in for the past nine months.”

“Because these creeping, infectious bugs may also be waterborne, all Americans should refrain from bathing until further notice,” he added while scrubbing his hands raw with steel wool. “They’re all over the place. They’re everywhere you could possibly imagine.”

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Redfield, who vigorously scratched at his arm, continuing until he began to tear off bloody patches of skin, pointed to a wall lined floor to ceiling with glass bottles he had filled with his own urine so it could be analyzed for possible contagions. He also suggested that every man, woman, and child in the United States do the same thing.

The CDC director, who apologized to reporters for not making eye contact as he spoke but said that’s how the germs get into your mind and start controlling your thoughts, interrupted the press conference at one point to accept a written briefing from an aide. Redfield instructed his subordinate to place the document in a ziplock bag, slide it under the door, knock three times, count to 15, and then walk away. He reportedly asked the aide to stop and restart the entire process several times before he was convinced the procedure had been completed correctly.

“As a precautionary measure, I’ll be conducting the remainder of the press conference in a protective crouch, my body shielded by this lead-lined blanket,” said the muffled voice of the director, moments after determining the brief’s delivery had compromised the sterility of his bubble, a realization that caused him to shriek uncontrollably until a team of workers in hazmat suits could administer a sedative. “If the American people wish to stay safe, they must realize the importance of sequestering themselves from all human contact, especially interactions with trusted friends and loved ones, who appear to be the deadliest vectors of this incurable and untreatable pestilence.”

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“The germs are on you right now, billions and trillions of them, everywhere you look,” he continued. “They’re also inside you, where they can’t be reached. The best advice we can give you right now is to pull out all of your molars immediately.”

Redfield announced the CDC has already earmarked $22.3 million toward fighting the epidemic, much of which will be spent on building sealed plastic chambers and destroying every flying insect, radio tower, and dirty spoon on U.S. soil. In addition, he has reportedly directed his agency to set up thousands of emergency sanitizing stations where individuals who have been exposed can douse their faces in bleach and attempt to burn the germs off their skin with a gas stove.

Going forward, Redfield explained, the primary goals of the CDC would be to “eliminate all germs, protect the American people, eliminate all germs, and protect the American people.”

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“There are several ways to limit the spread of these tiny, horrid viruses, including wearing protective footwear made from sanitary materials such as tissue boxes,” he said, pointing to his own feet. “We must act quickly and decisively, or we face the very real possibility that our populace may never be fully clean again.”

He added, “Never be fully clean again, never be fully clean again, never be fully clean again, never be fully clean again, never be fully clean again, never be fully clean again, never be fully clean again, never be fully clean again, never be fully clean again.”