BURBANK, CA—As studios continue to delay the theatrical runs of major films due to the global Covid-19 pandemic, Walt Disney Pictures announced plans Tuesday to release the highly anticipated live-action remake of Mulan directly into the consciousness of every American. “In the interests of encouraging film viewers to be safe, we have chosen to skip theaters altogether and instead reach audiences by transmitting this epic tale of a legendary warrior who risks everything for her family into the minds of all current U.S. residents,” said Disney Bob Chapek, encouraging the 330 million domestic viewers of Mulan to reduce transmission of the coronavirus by staying home, where regions of their brain vital to memory formation and linguistic processing would be hijacked to deliver a dazzling, unforgettable cinematic experience. “Fans who were disappointed to hear of the film’s delayed release will be relieved to know that on Apr. 17 at 6 p.m., their visual and auditory cortices will be overwhelmed with impressions of Liu Yifei portraying a fearless young woman who disguises herself as a man to fight for her country in her father’s stead. Our Imagineers have ensured this mostly radiation-based procedure will allow one’s sensation of self to fade away completely until their entire experience of reality becomes Mulan. We’re certain that having every detail of this movie vividly and permanently etched into your long-term memory will be well worth the temporary loss of motor function, moderate risk of intracranial aneurysm, and mandatory charge of $14.99.” Hillman went on to confirm that Disney would be streaming the 1998 animated version of Mulan on a continuous loop in the dreams of each American for two weeks prior to the new film’s release.
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