BAY LAKE, FL—In an effort to provide park visitors with the most true-to-life attraction possible, Walt Disney World officials announced Monday that computer technicians have begun uploading Barack Obama’s consciousness into his animatronic robot likeness at the Magic Kingdom’s Hall of Presidents exhibit. “Everything is going very smoothly so far; we’ve already transferred roughly 30 percent of the president’s memories, cognitive capacities, and emotional traits to the robot avatar,” said head curator Tim Samuelson, who confirmed the process would take up to 19 separate four-hour sessions before Obama’s complete being was transmitted to the mechanized figure, which would reportedly draw on the president’s essential nature as it delivered the same 90-second remarks during each performance of the exhibit’s 20-minute show. “Of course, President Obama will be rendered mentally barren and functionally incapacitated at the moment the consciousness transfer is complete, but his message of national unity and his extraordinary legacy as our first African-American president will live on forever inside his animatronic counterpart, which will be able to use its five mechanical points of articulation and will be able to say ‘Hello, I’m the 44th president of the United States’ and several other phrases with the exact same bearing and assurance as Obama himself.” Samuelson assured reporters that improvements to the upload process will prevent the Obama robot from slowly becoming deranged and then killing dozens of park visitors after mistaking them for Native Americans, as tragically occurred in 1974 with the park’s Andrew Jackson.

Advertisement