BURBANK, CA— Threatening legal action against those using its intellectual property without permission, Disney announced Friday that it would begin cracking down on copyright infringement by people who pictured Mickey Mouse while masturbating. “All erotic fantasies featuring Mickey Mouse, whether in his current iteration or as he appears in the classic short Steamboat Willie, must be expressly sanctioned by the Walt Disney Company, otherwise you will face litigation,” said Disney CEO Bob Iger, explaining that pleasuring oneself while envisioning the iconic mouse mascot was reserved for employees of Disney, such as the company’s Imagineers and Iger himself. “If you want to attain climax to the thought of popular cartoon imagery without paying our arousal licensing fee, make it to something in the public domain like Winnie the Pooh or Krazy Kat. You’re free to let loose your most depraved self-cest and insertion fantasies on them. But not with Mickey. He’s ours.” At press time, defense lawyers reportedly responded to Iger’s threats by arguing that laughing while masturbating to the thought of Mickey Mouse was protected under parody law.
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