BAY LAKE, FL—Boasting of an exciting new experience for die-hard fans who want to “join the rebellion” against their homosexual desires, Disney announced Wednesday the grand opening of an immersive Star Wars–themed gay conversion camp. “At our new Jedi Cure Center, gays and lesbians of all ages can visit a galaxy far, far away, where they will be taught by their favorite Star Wars characters that their sexual orientation is a path to the dark side of the force,” Disney CEO Bob Chapek said of the new $3,000-per-day camp at which clients will be greeted by an animatronic Yoda that tells them being “queer leads to anger, anger leads to hate, and hate leads to suffering.” “Guests will visit the Jedi Temple, where members of the High Council will condemn their deviant behavior and order them to face trials to achieve the rank of heterosexual. Later, in the Emperor’s throne room, they will view photos of attractive members of the same sex before Palpatine administers 450-volt electric shocks to punish them for their arousal. For extreme cases, we even have Boba Fett and Jabba the Hutt standing by to stop our guests from being gay by freezing them in carbonite.” Chapek added that at the end of their stay, fans would be allowed to choose a blue or pink lightsaber in accordance with the gender assigned to them at birth.
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