BURBANK, CA—In what officials at the entertainment conglomerate described as a “thrilling opportunity for fans of all ages,” the Walt Disney Company announced Friday the opening of a new mass grave in which customers can be buried alive with their favorite Disney-owned characters. “We know that people absolutely love the joyous experience of our theme parks, so why not let them spend eternity with Mickey, Minnie, Snow White, Elsa, Anna, and the rest of their favorite pals,” said Disney CEO Bob Chapek, explaining that a $109 entrance fee would give fans access to the sprawling 200-acre open pit, which will also leverage properties from Pixar, Star Wars, and Marvel as it seeks to become a final resting place for a broad cross-section of media consumers. “At Disney’s Eternal Kingdom, fans will line up and await their turn to be thrown into a hole in the ground where, as the dirt is shoveled over their still-living bodies, they can slowly suffocate and die with the likes of the Hulk, Winnie the Pooh, Kylo Ren, Buzz and Woody, or the entire ensemble cast of Encanto. Disney Genie Plus users can purchase a Lightning Lane selection and skip the line to pass into the next world even faster—all while choking to death on pixie dust that will be shoveled into their mouths by Tinker Bell herself.” Chapek went on to announce his retirement, saying there was no more he could do after finally realizing all the goals of Disney’s famed “cradle to grave” business model.
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