BAY LAKE, FL—Touting the new property’s wide variety of unique and imaginative attractions, representatives from the Walt Disney World Resort announced Monday the opening of Ordeal Kingdom, a new theme park specifically designed for full-scale family meltdowns.
Situated between Epcot and the Magic Kingdom, the 350-acre property reportedly incorporates many of the most aggravating elements of Disney’s other parks and expands them into a creative and fully immersive world of irritation, which is said to include the longest lines in the entire resort, a convoluted layout that is only depicted in indecipherable cartoon maps that are not to scale, and 150 percent higher prices. According to park director Jacob Bartlett, Ordeal Kingdom’s specialized combination of features will ensure a slowly building resentment among visiting families, eventually resulting in a dramatic public outburst followed by a silent walk back to the car.
“We’ve considered every detail to ensure parents and their kids have the heated argument of a lifetime,” said Bartlett, explaining that the park was split into five themed “lands,” including Fatigue Island and Hunger Lagoon, each of which can be reached by Mickey’s Congestion Junction Railway. “Whether it’s the sheer distance between rides or the unspecified bathroom locations, every aspect of the experience is guaranteed to ratchet up the tension until you and your family are screaming at each other and saying you should never have come in the first place.”
“No trip to Disney is complete without everyone in your party losing all emotional self-control,” Bartlett continued. “And at Ordeal Kingdom, we promise that all your wildest family blowups will come to life!”
According to Bartlett, considerable effort was devoted to crafting the park’s overall aesthetic, which emphasizes open, unshaded stretches of asphalt without any benches for resting. Additionally, no lockers have been provided anywhere on the grounds, encouraging guests to carry their bags and souvenirs around with them all day, often over stretches of quaint, uneven cobblestone.
Bartlett went on to add that the Disney FastPass service will be available in the new park, giving irritable visitors the opportunity to squabble over whether they wasted their no-wait ride selection too early in the day.
One of Ordeal Kingdom’s most popular attractions is expected to be Tarzan Adventure, a kid-friendly obstacle course that provides dozens of opportunities for parents to lose track of their children among twists and turns as they struggle to make their voices heard over loud jungle sound effects. Park officials explained that the design is intended to sow seeds of resentment toward whichever parent insisted that the attraction’s deliberately vague age requirements could be ignored, contributing to the eventual fiery altercation that officials expect to boil over at an understocked gift shop or a snack stand selling $11 soft pretzels.
“We provide the rides, games, and entertainment, and you do the rest—whether you opt to loudly belittle your spouse on the teacups ride or wait until you’re in your hotel room later that night to call your 8-year-old son an ungrateful little shit, Ordeal Kingdom is perfect for families of all kinds,” said Bartlett, raising his voice over the park’s theme song, which blares on a continuous loop from loudspeakers throughout the entire property. “Who knows? Maybe your family will have that special Disney shouting match as soon as you enter the park, right after you shell out 75 bucks for your daughter’s ticket only to have her scream right in your face that she hates you.”
Officials noted that Ordeal Kingdom also features live shows on five different stages, each one tailored to appeal exclusively to one gender and age group, with all shows occurring simultaneously once per day during lunchtime. In addition, the property hosts a number of three-hour-long parades throughout the day that can be viewed from designated obstructed viewpoints.
Furthermore, sources confirmed that numerous Disney characters, all from the 1985 movie The Black Cauldron, would be wandering the park for visitors to meet and take photos with.
“We want your family to have a one-of-a-kind experience while you’re here, which is why Disney employees will be on hand throughout the park to wish you ‘a magical day,’” said Bartlett, referring to the greeting that will begin to sound more and more like a taunt as the afternoon wears on. “Plus, as one final treat, you’ll find the parking lots completely unmarked, providing one last special opportunity for family members to cry, yell, and pitch a hysterical fit—regardless of how young or old they are—when it takes more than an hour to find the car!”
Added Bartlett, “Our goal is to leave every one of our guests with memories that will last a lifetime.”