MÜRZZUSCHLAG, AUSTRIA—Speaking at a press conference held at a resort high in the Semmering Pass, Austrian man Fritz Hörbiger reportedly asked the world to give themselves over to pleasure Thursday while slowly disrobing. “Please, I ask you to hear me out and surrender to fleshly delight,” said the Austrian multimillionaire, unfastening his cashmere bathing gown and suggestively lowering it to reveal his already erect nipples as he implored the world to not ignore their self-evident temptations. “Oh, the body is a conduit of pleasure, yes? And there is only so much time. So we must drink in the pleasures that will come while we can. Do you not agree?” At press time, the Austrian industrialist had reportedly burst into tears after prematurely ejaculating and screamed that everyone had to get out.