THE HEAVENS—Realizing His error after Heaven’s holy lights were shut off, a distracted God, Our Lord, and Heavenly Father accidentally put a baby’s soul in an envelope Wednesday to the utility company. “Shit, shit, shit, I can’t believe I unintentionally sent that baby’s soul to the electric company,” said The Divine Creator of the Universe, who absentmindedly mailed the infant’s spirit instead of His bill payment while His attention was diverted by a long backlog of unanswered prayers. “I’ve searched high and low hoping I just misplaced it, but all that turns up are deceased souls of the elderly. I can’t find this stupid baby soul anywhere. For fuck’s sake, that means somewhere out there a newborn infant has my $70 check for a soul. I really should have signed up for auto-pay.” At press time, the baby experienced no complications from missing a soul.