IOWA FALLS, IA—Enjoying one last morning with his four-legged friends, distraught factory farmer Bill Hanrahan confirmed Wednesday that he knew he shouldn’t have named all 7,000 pigs. “I don’t know why I always make this harder than it needs to be,” said Hanrahan, choking up as he began the long process of saying goodbye to Franklin, Jessica, Wilbur, Toot-Toot, Wilbur II, Bumpkin, Petey, Greg, and the others as he herded them onto a filthy conveyor belt to be violently processed into low-cost meat products. “I know better than to get attached to them, cute as they are, but darn if I didn’t do it again. I probably shouldn’t have named these four after my late grandparents—that’s going to complicate things emotionally when I have to slit their throats in a couple minutes. It’s hard because I remember when all of them were tiny little piglets that I separated from their mothers. Bugsby, Hank, Wilbur III, come on over and say goodbye. I suppose I should start taking off the little custom outfits I put them all in now, that might take awhile.” At press time, Hanrahan reported how difficult it was trying to fall asleep that night without all 7,000 of his pigs cuddled up to him.
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