CHARLESTON, SC—Confessing that this was always the hardest part of his job, local oncologist Dr. William Barlowe told reporters Friday that he wasn’t sure how to break the news to his patient that they were born in America. “It’s sad, but as a medical professional, I have no choice but to sit this man down, look him in the eye, and tell him that the results came back positive for living in the United States,” said Barlowe, adding that it didn’t make it any easier that his patient seemed like an otherwise healthy adult male, but had actually been battling the debilitating effects of America for decades. “I won’t lie, if we were dealing with Norway, Sweden, or Denmark, we’d definitely be having a different conversation, but the odds of him coming out alive from this type of aggressive, high-mortality country are frankly pretty low. All I can do at this point is try to make living with U.S. citizenship as tolerable and pain-free as possible. It never gets any easier.” At press time, a slightly more optimistic Barlowe went on to say that at the very least, his patient would not feel alone, as there were currently 330 million people in America suffering from being born into the exact same country.