WASHINGTON—According to dramatic new findings announced by the American Medical Association Monday, thousands of patients at cancer treatment facilities across the United States displayed signs of full remission after repeatedly viewing The Onion’s new Amazon television pilot over a period of several days. “Every form of cancer we studied, including inoperable Stage IV brain, lung, and pancreatic cancers, began decreasing in severity and extent as soon as patients began streaming Onion News Empire on Amazon,” said renowned oncologist Arthur Maxwell, noting that patients returned to their pre-disease levels of energy, alertness, and appetite within moments of viewing the show’s opening credits. “After a week of daily viewings, all tumors and lesions had disappeared completely, and 100 percent of patients were discharged from the hospital with clean bills of health. Simply put, Onion News Empire appears to be even more potent and effective than our most intensive chemotherapy and targeted radiation treatments without a single side effect—that is, if you don’t count being thoroughly entertained as a side effect.” Maxwell confirmed, however, that viewing Onion News Empire without filling out the accompanying online user review caused irreversible spinal meningitis among all patients.
More from The Onion