WILMINGTON, DE—Stressing that their patient’s health remained their primary concern, a team of medical experts announced Monday that a hairline fracture in Joe Biden’s foot had begun spreading throughout his entire skeleton. “After a slight accident from playing with [presidential rescue dog] Major, we were troubled to find a small fracture expanding from the president elect’s metatarsal into his shin, and eventually working its way up the fibula and femur and into the rest of his skeletal system,” said Dr. Edward Gross, adding that x-rays inspected by fellow members of the campaign’s medical office revealed that Biden’s sternum had almost entirely split down the middle due to the physical stress. “Of course, the small breaks in the 205 other bones in his body are concerning as well as the constant sound of cracking, but what we’re mainly worried about now are some of the hairline fractures in his skull. If those go, we could just see his entire skeleton start collapsing in on him.” At press time, a spokesperson for the campaign had announced plans to place Biden in a six-foot-tall protective boot.
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