BALTIMORE—Running counter to the generally accepted theory that the organ is merely vestigial, doctors at Johns Hopkins University said Wednesday that the purpose of the appendix is actually to contain the human soul. “After decades of presuming that it no longer had any real function, we were shocked to discover that the appendix is in fact the body’s one and only vessel for a person’s eternal spirit,” said Dr. Helen Kimbrel, adding that while the small abdominal organ is now believed to house a human being’s very essence, it may also have had a dual function millions of years ago of helping hominids digest leaves and tree bark. “And far more than a mere inflammation, it appears that diseases like appendicitis are actually a corruption of the everlasting soul we are all imbued with at birth. As we continue to find out more about the appendix, we may in fact learn that it’s one of the few truly indispensable organs.” Dr. Kimbrel went on to say that despite this new knowledge, there was nothing that could be done to fix the soulless automatons who have already had their appendixes surgically removed.

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