Doctors Recommend Getting 8 Centuries Of Cryosleep

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STANFORD, CA—Claiming that the practice is essential for effectively recharging the body and waking fully rested and alert, doctors at Stanford University issued a report Monday emphasizing the importance of getting at least eight centuries of atomically powered cryosleep. “As long as you properly organize your schedule to ensure you have enough time for eight full centuries of suspended animation, you’ll be able to get up in the early 29th century completely refreshed and ready to go,” said Dr. Ram Krishnan, lead researcher at the university’s cryosleep lab, adding that to assure quality metarest, the ideal cryonic hibernation environment should be quiet, dark, and capable of maintaining a constant temperature of -320 degrees Fahrenheit. “It’s also important to avoid distractions when preparing for 800 years of hypersuspension, as they could affect the restfulness of your cryosleep. So make sure to forgo caffeine and silence your phone before replacing your blood with medical-grade antifreeze and climbing into your cryopreservation capsule.” For those whose schedules limit them to only four or five centuries of uninterrupted biostasis, Dr. Krishnan recommended making up the time by taking several 100-year-long, cryonically assisted naps throughout the millennium.