MELROSE, MA—Shedding new light on how the popular medication repairs a chemical brain imbalance, psychiatrists at Melrose Wakefield Hospital released a study Monday touting the effectiveness of SSRIs to cause enough other problems that it completely takes a patient’s mind off their depression. “In a double-blind study where we mapped images of the participants’ brains, we saw almost 100% of those given SSRIs over a placebo become too preoccupied by the sudden onslaught of excruciating side effects to feel depressed anymore,” said psychiatry chair Dr. Damien Wilson, crediting the dramatic weight gain, dangerously high cholesterol, and chronic diarrhea with making their previous experience of lifelong clinical depression seem far preferable by comparison. “The debilitating insomnia typically kicks in first, quickly curing patients of the depressive impulse to stay in bed and sleep all day. From there, they’re going to be mainly focused on the screeching tone emanating from inside their own brain, which is imperative in driving out all sad thoughts other than suicidal ideation, which will increase by more than 350%. With all that and the five or six hours it takes just to manage the sweating—you’ve already made it through another day.” Dr. Wilson added that even a low dose of an SSRI can give a depression patient the boost of energy needed to repeatedly try and fail to orgasm.
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