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Doctors Warn Insomnia Can Affect Ability Of Weird Guy To Stand In Doorway Watching You Sleep

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CHICAGO—In an analysis of the latest research into the condition, doctors from the University of Illinois Chicago warned Thursday that insomnia can have numerous unexpected consequences, such as impairing the ability of a weird guy to stand in your doorway and watch you sleep. “Chronic sleep loss affects when and for how long a strange, scraggly man can lean on your door frame, gazing at you while you slumber,” said Gary Buckheim, a professor at the university’s sleep center, reminding those who suffer from the disorder that without seven to nine hours of sleep each night, you deprive your body of the opportunity to be hovered over in the dark by a complete weirdo. “One of the long-term consequences of a continual lack of sleep is increased irritability among the creepy guy, who may be frustrated when he realizes he has broken in through your kitchen window for nothing and won’t be able to touch any of your personal items or even just linger there at the threshold, yearning to caress your vulnerable form.” Buckheim added that the quality of your rest was as important as the quantity, observing that if you don’t enter a deep enough sleep, you miss out on the weird guy sniffing your hair and expelling hot breath upon your neck.