PHOENIX, AZ—Expressing frustration with how badly his undercoat and tail got messed up the last time, local schnauzer Jellybean Hicks confirmed Tuesday that he hoped he wouldn’t get stuck with the chatty groomer again. “Oh my god, I’m telling you, the woman who was in charge of shearing me last time just would not shut up about my adorable tail, my floppy little ears, or my perfect chocolate nose,” said the 5-year-old canine, adding that the groomer, who seemed to be new there, should maybe focus more on cutting and washing fur than spending hours asking her clients if they want their belly rubbed or head scratched. “Look, I get it, I’m a good boy, but I don’t need to hear that 50 times before you even hose me down or put me in the sink. If it was more of a conversation I guess it would be fine, but at this point, I just want to get in, get out, and go right back to scratching my face and licking my own butt.” At press time, Jellybean let out a whimper after being led inside the dog boutique only to find the aforementioned groomer talking off the ear of a German shepherd and running an hour behind schedule.
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