WASHINGTON—Warning that they have zero tolerance for cheapskates, the United States Department of Justice reportedly vowed Wednesday to prosecute any pay-for-pardon offers trying to lowball President Trump. “When it comes to bribing the commander in chief in exchange for a presidential pardon, Americans can rest assured that anything but serious, substantial offers will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law,” said Attorney General William Barr in a press conference, adding that the president knows his worth and any attempts to nickel-and-dime him will not fly under their watch. “We vow to hunt down any cheap bastards and throw the book at them. We are demanding $500,000 minimum, and if you think you can skimp on it, you will have to face harsh and swift justice.” At press time, Barr announced that the DOJ had already indicted dozens of stingy cabinet members.