MIAMI—The sports world was shocked today as Miami Dolphins wide receiver Mike Wallace outed himself as a stupid asshole, sources close to the professional football player confirmed. “I’m really proud of Mike for coming out and openly admitting he’s a complete fucking asshole,” said Wallace’s former Pittsburgh Steelers teammate Troy Polamalu after the Dolphins receiver posted on Twitter announcing that he is and has always been an insensitive, ignorant fuck. “Of course, most of us already knew Wallace was a worthless sack of shit just from the way he talked and acted. But for him to have the courage to open up about the fact that he’s a total prick is fantastic. I’m really happy for him.” Polamalu added that now that Wallace has bravely come out as an absolute dipshit, it could pave the way for other professional athletes to reveal that they themselves are intolerant dumbfucks in the near future.
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