STRENGTHS: Best player in league at smiling after the catch; phenomenal jumper, but also remarkable at standing perfectly still; great route runner in the way that's actually not a euphemism for "slow as shit"
WEAKNESSES: Expressing emotions such as sadness, anger, or surprise; brings a fire to the game, which the league is tired of reminding him is not only against the rules but also the law; makes the game look easy, which really doesn't help the players union's cause in labor disputes
SIGNATURE MOVE: Runs right past everyone in secondary while informing cornerback that he's supposed to cover Packers receiver Greg Jennings
DID YOU KNOW? Driver had the chance to be a world-class high jumper but instead opted to pursue something that isn't fucking stupid
CONDITIONING: Muscular lips capable of grinding out an extra smile late in the game