WASHINGTON—Complaining that U.S. investigations into foreign interference in the election have gotten almost everything wrong, officials from dozens of countries around the world expressed irritation Friday that all of the credit for meddling in the 2016 presidential race was going to Russia.
Resentful operatives from Serbia, Uruguay, Swaziland, and 45 other nations said they were incredibly annoyed that Kremlin-backed computer hackers and dark-money financiers were receiving all the media attention, while their own far superior efforts to undermine the U.S. electoral process had so far received no recognition at all.
“Do you have any idea how much more sophisticated our attacks on American democracy were than Russia’s?” Laotian president Bounnhang Vorachith said of his government’s efforts to spread misinformation about Democratic candidate Hillary Clinton on social media sites. “We spent millions building a sophisticated bot network that could craft false but believable stories portraying Trump in a good light. And it worked! It’s unbelievably frustrating to pull off something like that and then have all the glory go to someone else.”
“Do you really think Russia could’ve hacked into [Clinton campaign chairman] John Podesta’s emails?” Vorachith continued. “Hell no. That was Laos.”
According to sources, every time the American media credits Russian oligarchs with funding election-tampering efforts, numerous foreign agents across the globe throw up their arms and storm out of the room, infuriated because Costa Rican and Nepalese money launderers reportedly did far more to finance such initiatives. These agents have also been known to toss aside newspapers in anger, shouting that Mongolia’s work busing thousands of people with dead voters’ names to cast ballots for Clinton in New Hampshire was more deserving of attention than anything Russia had accomplished.
In addition, reports confirmed that scores of world leaders fly into a rage whenever members of Congress express grave concern over Russian president Vladimir Putin’s 2016 machinations but make no mention of anyone else’s schemes.
“Russia had a bunch of scrubs sitting in some warehouse putting out piddly-shit Facebook posts while we were actually purging voter rolls in over a dozen states, and yet no one’s calling us an enemy of democracy?” said Gambian operative Ndura Sanneh, remarking that the ninth-largest country in the world impacting a U.S. election wasn’t nearly as impressive as the 146th most populous nation doing it. “It’s such bullshit. We fed that ‘build the wall’ line to the Trump campaign three years ago, and it’d be nice to get some goddamn acknowledgment for it. But with the Russians grabbing all the headlines, how can we?”
“The biased coverage is completely disrespectful,” she added. “It’s as if these American newspapers don’t even realize Jill Stein is a Gambian asset.”
Meanwhile, undercover agents from the island nation of Tuvalu were reportedly “climbing the walls,” upset they had achieved no notoriety despite successfully exploiting the growing political polarization in the United States with their clandestine planning of the 2017 Women’s March. And exasperated leaders in St. Kitts and Nevis—who claimed that without their onsite voter-intimidation tactics, Clinton could never have won Virginia or Minnesota—said the lack of attention given to their country’s efforts was enough to make them contemplate getting out of the election-rigging game altogether.
Throughout the international community, many leaders expressed similar sentiments.
“In 2016, we managed to shake Americans’ faith in their political institutions to its core, and yet there’s still no one hysterically calling for sanctions against us,” German chancellor Angela Merkel told reporters. “It pisses me off that Russia got started at the last minute, copied everyone else’s ideas, and then got all the recognition for sticking America with President Trump.”
“I guess this is what we get for actually being discreet about our interference, unlike the Russians, who were literally stupid enough to let one of their operatives meet with the Trump campaign inside Trump Tower,” she continued. “They’ll probably hog the spotlight after the 2020 election, too.”