FORT JACKSON, SC— Expressing frustration at his inability to accurately describe his assessment of his current trainees, sources confirmed Tuesday that a drill sergeant was struggling to communicate that his new recruits were, in fact, the worst he’s ever seen. “You’re the lowliest pack of maggots that I ever laid eyes on, and I’m not being facetious or in any way hyperbolic when I say that,” said Sergeant James Barber, wondering if he should draw some kind of graph as a visual aid to help his recruits recognize that he wasn’t simply attempting to rouse them to work harder. “I know I’m shouting at the top of my lungs right now, but it’s just because I want to be clear that, on an objective scale, you are the least-capable bunch of recruits that has come through this facility. When I say ‘worst,’ that isn’t just a turn of phrase, I want to really drive that point home, you’re not great. You all make me sick, and again, that is literal, I’m nauseous and need to sit down for a minute.” At press time, the drill sergeant wondered whether there was some kind of homophobic slur he could use to describe the new recruits.
We may earn a commission from links on this page.