SPRINGFIELD, MA—Questioning exactly how she intended to put the dead to rest with such a weak effort, sources confirmed Wednesday that dumbass widow Lilith Frampton apparently thought a little handful of dirt thrown on her husband’s coffin would be all that it took to bury him. “Seriously? Did she really think that tiny little clod would be enough to cover up her husband’s casket? Isn’t he, like, six feet tall?” said baffled funeral attendee Jeremy Koehler, expressing annoyance that anyone would put in such an abysmal effort in the labor-intensive act of burial, let alone the deceased’s spouse herself. “Honestly, what the fuck is the plan here? This goddamn moron’s just going to leave her husband’s coffin in an unfilled hole with a small scattering of dirt on top? You’re his wife, dipshit. Pull your fucking weight. What, do you expect the rest of the mourners to bury him for you? Jesus Christ, there’s even a shovel sticking out of that dirt mound over there. Start scooping, ding-dong.” Observers added that they should have expected no better out of someone who showed up to a burial in a black veil rather than a more appropriate outfit like coveralls and a hard hat.
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