NEW YORK—In a remarkable pattern that stretched across hundreds of misspelled and poorly formatted posts, sources confirmed Friday that each successive comment on the John Mellencamp’s “Jack And Diane” music video was more heartbreaking than the last. Several reports indicated that while early messages under the clip, such as “Remembering better days” or “Than you John Cougar for this Incredible ANTHEM song [sic],” set a nearly insurmountable standard of pitifulness, their subtle pathos was quickly outdone by the later statements of YouTube user Celtics_76, who described a wife who had “loved this song” and how the rhythm guitar riff “still makes me think of her even 7 years later. RIP Julia.” Additional analysis suggested that while the simple note, “Fuck cancer,” hinted at a possible capstone to the mountain of sadness evoked by viewers of the heartland rock song, such speculation was ultimately rendered premature when user Petty_Tomorrow jumped into the fray to ask “who loves this song comment me if you do,” igniting a minor storm of absolutely heartrending subcomments suggesting personal disability, family trauma, and an almost unspeakable longing for the years that have passed since the song’s July 1982 debut. At press time, further information confirmed that the escalating trend had fortunately come to an end after John Mellencamp’s verified account posted “Personally, I think it still holds up—What do you guys think?” in the video’s comments.
More from The Onion