NORTH BRANCH, MI—Creating a global panic that sent financial markets into a tailspin, the nation’s economy collapsed Wednesday after local 10-year-old Bryson Jeakle reportedly spent the entire gross domestic product of the United States on Fortnite skins. “While we are still learning the full details of this massive transaction, we can confirm a fifth-grader transferred funds sufficient to purchase 23 trillion dollars’ worth of custom digital outfits for Fortnite Battle Royale,” said Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen, adding that the child managed to exchange the value of all finished goods and services produced within the country last year for 2 quadrillion V-bucks, which were then used to buy skins that ranged from Marvel superheroes to characters with hamburgers for heads. “As a result of Jeakle splurging on skins like the Skull Trooper, Spider Knight, and several versions of an anthropomorphic banana, the U.S. government has been forced to declare bankruptcy, the banking system has collapsed, and Americans face widespread unemployment. It will take generations for the economy to recover following this boy’s unchecked acquisition of Ghoul Troopers, Gingerbread Soldiers, and Sparkle Specialists, among billions of other skins.” At press time, the U.S. Treasury had reportedly removed its credit card from the PlayStation store and created a stronger password.
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