INDIANAPOLIS—Announcing that landmark new laboratory methods had made the once dreamed-of medication a reality, pharmaceutical company Eli Lilly unveiled insulin Wednesday that doesn’t work on poor people. “Thanks to our proprietary advancements in cellular technology, the active ingredients in insulin will now only work if the patient makes at least six figures per year,” said Eli Lilly CEO David Ricks, describing how the firm’s pharmacologists had engineered the amino sequence in the insulin molecule to detect whether or not the person taking it had rich blood. “Fortunately, these scientific breakthroughs have enabled us to make our new insulin incredibly affordable—if you’re rich, that is. This medication shouldn’t be taken by anyone with a history of poverty. We’re hopeful that this is just the first step, and we’ll be able to synthesize all of the life-saving medications in the Eli Lilly family to only work on people with significant financial stability.” Company executives also added that while Eli Lilly would be phasing out insulin for poor people, they were still targeting that demographic with a new developmental compound that would give poor people diabetes.