Elon Musk Insists He’d Be Much More Innovative Pedophile Than Thailand Rescue Worker

Illustration for article titled Elon Musk Insists He’d Be Much More Innovative Pedophile Than Thailand Rescue Worker

PALO ALTO, CA—Doubling down on a recent controversial statement he made about a British cave diver who helped free a youth soccer team from a cave in Thailand, Tesla CEO Elon Musk reportedly insisted Monday that he would be a much more innovative pedophile than rescue worker Vernon Unsworth. “Look, the only insulting thing I was trying to say when I called that guy a pedo was that he represents a laughably simplistic, outdated form of child molesting that is badly in need of disruption from Silicon Valley leaders like myself,” said Musk in a Twitter thread, expressing confidence that he could develop a state-of-the-art, bleeding-edge system for pederasty that would dwarf anything that a conventional “luddite” like Unsworth could even imagine. “I’m not saying I’m going to molest children, but if I did, you’d better believe it would be with a system that would save you the long, time-consuming, and expensive trips to Thailand like this guy takes, one that can deliver attractive Thai youths right to your door. Rest assured that if I wanted to, I could build a scalable global network using the most advanced artificial-intelligence technology to offer maximum efficiency, variety, and convenience to deviants and sickos anywhere in the world.” At press time, a new company Musk launched to build a more innovative system for pedophilia was already valued at $18 billion.