PALO ALTO, CA—Doubling down on a recent controversial statement he made about a British cave diver who helped free a youth soccer team from a cave in Thailand, Tesla CEO Elon Musk reportedly insisted Monday that he would be a much more innovative pedophile than rescue worker Vernon Unsworth. “Look, the only insulting thing I was trying to say when I called that guy a pedo was that he represents a laughably simplistic, outdated form of child molesting that is badly in need of disruption from Silicon Valley leaders like myself,” said Musk in a Twitter thread, expressing confidence that he could develop a state-of-the-art, bleeding-edge system for pederasty that would dwarf anything that a conventional “luddite” like Unsworth could even imagine. “I’m not saying I’m going to molest children, but if I did, you’d better believe it would be with a system that would save you the long, time-consuming, and expensive trips to Thailand like this guy takes, one that can deliver attractive Thai youths right to your door. Rest assured that if I wanted to, I could build a scalable global network using the most advanced artificial-intelligence technology to offer maximum efficiency, variety, and convenience to deviants and sickos anywhere in the world.” At press time, a new company Musk launched to build a more innovative system for pedophilia was already valued at $18 billion.
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