In a display of his visionary management style, Elon Musk sent out his rules for “insane productivity” to all Twitter employees. The Onion examines each of the edicts and how they’ll help improve the social media’s site’s efficiency and output.
Isolate Yourself From Friends And Family
Musk reminded all Twitter employees that no one will ever love them like he does.
When Possible, Plagiarize Everything
Yes, Elon has found great success by stealing other people’s ideas, but he also expects his employees to do the same, and requires every line of code they write to be plagiarized from another individual, company, or platform.
Give Him Your Blood
You heard him. Give it. Now.
Set All Thermostats To -40º C
Besides saving money, this will prepare workers for the eventual Mars Twitter HQ.
Print Out Your Best Code
Manually printing lines of text you’ve already input into a computer screen always saves time, energy, and resources.
Eat Lunch On A Private Jet And Call It ‘Work’ A Minimum Of 5 Times Per Day
This kind of work particularly amazes journalists.
Close All Your Holes
Don’t let anything in or out—it will only slow you down.
Eat 1 Big Hamburger Instead Of 3 Smaller Ones
Worse for digestion, but this way employees will spend less time on their hamburger breaks.
Do Not Use ‘Chain Of Command’ To Communicate
Twitter workers are to communicate all problems to Elon Musk directly, as there are no bosses or managers left at the company.
Gotta do ’em.
Desks Are Meant To Be Urinated Under
Elon Musk has not used a toilet since starting his first company, Zip2, in 1995, which is why he explicitly forbids Twitter, SpaceX, and Tesla employees from urinating or defecating anywhere but below their desks.
Never, Ever Look The Man Pleasuring Himself In The Eye During Meetings
Elon considers most meetings to be a waste of time, but he especially hates it when employees make eye contact with the fully nude man standing in the corner and pleasuring himself during every code review at Twitter HQ.
Extreme To-Do List
Cross out finished tasks as they’re completed with a really sharp pen.
Always Answer Correspondence With Mr. Musk With ‘I Love You’
The only way to propel the new hardcore Twitter into the future is to ensure that Elon feels loved at all times.
Hang Your Visa On The Wall To Remember Why You’re Really Here
Might as well buckle down since you’re stuck here forever.
A Little MDMA Couldn’t Hurt
Eh, give it a shot.
Employees are required to have their eyelids surgically removed, as blinking wastes precious microseconds that could be spent focusing on coding.
Have Fun With It!
Violations are punishable by termination without severance.
Any Slip-Up At All And Elon Musk Will Personally Go To Your House And Sleep With Your Wife
Elon Musk loves to remind his employees that he has your wife’s number, has already been sending her explicit messages, and can steal her from you anytime he wants.
Worrying about fashion is nothing more than a distraction from the prosperity of Twitter.
Preferably without leaving your seat or, if you’re talking during a meeting, even pausing.
Sustenance isn’t exactly “hardcore.”