AUSTIN—Following a meeting with investors, reports surfaced Friday alleging that business magnate Elon Musk’s purchase of Twitter would include cutting the current staff down to a single devoted hunchback who laughs hysterically at all of his boss’s brilliant tweets.
Insiders confirmed that Musk planned to immediately reduce Twitter’s 7,500 employees down to a “skeleton staff” of a single loyal hunchback, who would occasionally scuttle out from the darkness to maniacally cackle at the boss’s “fire” social media posts and hiss a strained “based, sire” before the light of the computer burned his translucent skin.
According to sources, the gnarled creature, whose sole task would be hobbling down from the Twitter HQ bell tower every 15 minutes to clap and jig with glee at Musk’s online antics, preliminarily agreed to a significant salary cut in favor of being paid with a single gold coin that he could keep in a small leather sack.
Despite concerns that reducing the staff to a lone, faithful hunchback who frequently mutters “your meme game is tight, master” whenever the tech billionaire posts was risky to the security and functionality of the social media site, Musk assured investors that the move would drastically scale down back-end expenses.
Musk also reportedly signaled that the hunchback would mark a turning point in Twitter company culture, noting that any and all employees hired after the acquisition would be brought aboard only to fill out the choir of voices chanting “L-M-A-O” from an open pit beneath his office.
At press time, Musk had reportedly impregnated the hunchback.