PALO ALTO, CA—Touting the release as an unmatched innovation in green technology, Elon Musk held a press event Wednesday to unveil Tesla’s new clean energy automobile, a sleek midsize luxury sedan pulled by eight Tesla employees. “I’m excited to stand before you today and announce the &8, Tesla’s latest great advance in our ongoing journey towards completely environmentally responsible transportation—this new vehicle, with its multi-redundant, human-focused propulsion system, is even more efficient than electric models, and I’m proud to say it was born and bred right here in America using a 100 percent renewable, 99 percent biodegradable power source with forest-friendly emissions,” said Musk, who demonstrated the machine’s octuply-redundant voice-activated navitainment system, which, like the powertrain, fully supports tethering, adaptable all-surface cartilaginous shock absorbers, and “torture mode” overdrive, in which seven subsidiary drive units are slaved directly to a controlling “master motivator.” Tesla also claims that the new continuously variable transmission runs in complete silence, though press drivers noted some light huffing, puffing, and occasional moaning during highway tests. “The &8 will completely change the way Americans view clean energy vehicles. As usual, the purchase price will include the ability to easily recharge the power plant at any Applebee’s, but this is an extremely hardy, fuel-efficient—in many ways, self-sufficient—and ecologically aware vehicle. Customers can even visit the Tesla headquarters to select the exact parts that work best for them, from optional vegetable-fueled drive units to self-healing, scratch-resistant bodies in their choice of colors.” Musk also teased the upcoming announcement of a new HyperLoop high-speed rail locomotive using a much larger version of the &8’s core system.

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