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Elon Musk Worried He Won’t Have Enough Twitter Employees Left To Fire On Christmas Eve

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SAN FRANCISCO—Expressing concern that he might have totally ruined the holiday season, Elon Musk reportedly worried Thursday that he wouldn’t have enough Twitter employees left to fire on Christmas Eve. “Gosh, I just don’t know if I’ll be able to parcel them out long enough to enjoy destroying a few of their lives on Dec. 24,” said Musk, appearing visibly forlorn as he scrolled through the company’s rapidly diminishing roster and realized he simply might not have the willpower to string his remaining programmers along until he could tell them to clear out their desks just as the holidays rolled around. “It’s a shame, because some of these guys have work visas, and it would be really wonderful to watch the devastation dawn in their eyes as they realize they’ll have to leave the country on Christmas Eve. But I just love firing them. Man, this is a real disappointment.” At press time, Musk had been spotted in his office assembling an advent calendar of every person he planned to fire in December in the hopes of making them last.