PORTSMOUTH, NH—Insisting that the statement had simply slipped out of his mouth before he could stop himself, embarrassed Seacoast Ventures employee Kevin Bryant told reporters Tuesday that he had accidentally said “Hello” to his coworker instead of “I feel like crying all the time.” “Oh God, I totally misspoke back there,” said a visibly blushing Bryant, realizing his mistake only after he had gone on to ask about his fellow employee’s weekend rather than revealing that he felt so alone and constantly wanted to curl up in a ball so he could die under his desk. “Sarah was totally cool about it, and she knew that when I blurted out ‘See you later,’ I obviously meant to say ‘I’m drowning. I’m drowning. I’m drowning. I’m drowning. I’m drowning. I’m drowning. I’m drowning. God, help me. Someone please, please help. Help.’ Yikes. Would it be weird if I circled back just to tell her I intended to say ‘I’m falling apart on the inside?’ Probably, right?” At press time, Bryant had reportedly misspoke again after telling the guy at the front desk that he was heading to a bar after work instead of going home to blow his own brains out.
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