No one is more calm, composed, and collected than a drunk 17-year-old living by themselves for the first time. If you’re a college freshman, here are the most embarrassing mistakes you should try to avoid making.
Talking To Your Roommate
Thanks to Hollywood movies, everyone thinks they’ll get to talk to their cohabitant, but the best you can really hope for is a few grunts during move-in.
Joining A Club
Relax, this isn’t high school. You don’t need to do that shit anymore.
Attempting To Stay In A Long-Distance Relationship
Wide-eyed 17-year-olds always think their relationship with their high school English teacher will last and should not be reported to authorities.
Mistaking A Flicker Of Interest In Economics For A Passion That Will Sustain A Career
Trust us, it’s all downhill after those first few supply-and-demand graphs.
Assassinating The Dean
A popular prank since the ’60s that at this point is totally played out.
Skipping Sunday Mass
Many freshmen screw up by spending their first semester falling farther and farther from God’s light.
Gaining 15 Pounds Of Honey
No one knows how freshmen get so much honey to form in their bodies, but it’s not a problem by your second year.
Not Wearing Shower Pants
Communal showers are a breeding ground for pesky leg fungi, easily avoided with an inexpensive pair of latex shower pants.
Dying During Pledge Week
Very few freshmen ever come back from a blunder of this scale.
Taking Some Hair From The Seniors’ Hair Pile
Get your loose strands of hair from the freshman hair hole, newbie!
Getting Executed For Using The Wrong Pronoun
Every year, tens of thousands of college students make this fatal slipup and are killed by woke firing squads outside the dining hall.
Learning The Bad Parts Of American History
Makes going back home for Thanksgiving a real drag.
Accidentally Moving Into A Lecture Hall
The dorms are the tiny rooms with the beds.
Putting Laundry In The Oven
Oftentimes students are so used to parents washing their clothes that they confuse home appliances and set fire to their off-campus housing.
Not Taking Advantage Of The Fun, Colorful Chairs In The Campus Center
The biggest regret most graduates have is that they didn’t spend enough time using the funky modern furniture featured in the brochure photos that lured them there in the first place.
Masturbating So Your Roommate Can’t Hear
Most freshmen don’t realize how rude it is to self-pleasure quietly, as if the person on the other side of the room isn’t good enough for their grunting.
Missing The Buzzer-Beating Three-Pointer To Send The Team To The Final Four
We all do it, but it’s still embarrassing.
Seventy thousand dollars to make friends that will just leave you when they go to grad school? Sad.
Underpaying For Drugs
You don’t want to develop a reputation for being cheap.
Forgetting To Partake In Ritual Foot Washing Per The Mandates Of Anabaptism
Between this and forgetting your copy of the monk Michael Sattler’s Schleitheim Confession, you can forget about getting invited to any parties.
This is partly your parents’ fault, but still, way to be a buzzkill!
Going To Brown
No one has ever lived down the common but humiliating error of moving to Rhode Island.