Illustration for article titled Emergency Last Responders Loiter Around Scene Pretending To Aid Victims After Most Of The Work Already Done

GREENSBORO, NC—Announcing that everything seemed under control and that they would be most helpful by staying out of the way, emergency last responders loitered around a multi-car pileup Friday pretending to aid victims after most of the work was already done. “Oh, looks like the fire department already used the Jaws of Life and the cops are dealing with rerouting traffic, so I guess we can get started on cleaning up blood or whatever,” said last responder Colton Price, casually offering an ice pack to a man already receiving treatment in the back of an ambulance before wandering over to the ditch to look at the line of wrecked vehicles. “We were in the drive-thru when we got the alert, so as soon as we finished lunch, we raced over. A lot of these casualties need pressure applied to their wounds, but we’re out of medium gloves so it can’t be me. Holy crap, look at all this broken glass. I better stand here and warn people not to step in it. Otherwise, someone could end up with a really bad cut.” At press time, Price and his team ducked out early claiming they had received an urgent call from the dispatcher or something that they needed to go check out.

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