BISMARCK, ND—In what office sources called a bold move, local employee Brian Conlon was apparently confident enough in his job performance Thursday to eat snacks during a meeting. “Wow, he must be pretty certain in his ability to do his job well for him to loudly munch on snacks like that in the middle of the department strategy meeting,” said coworker Sam Rosenbloom, adding that Conlon shoveling chips into his mouth while their boss discussed plans for rebounding from poor Q4 sales numbers would only happen if he was absolutely convinced of his own competency, output, and work ethic. “Brian clearly seems to think he’s indispensable around here. Why else would he open that noisy bag right when the boss announced that the company needed to tighten its belt in the coming months while it restructures? Good for him, I guess.” At press time, Conlon grabbed a bag of candy from the vending machine before cockily walking into a one-on-one meeting with his boss to be fired.

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