Illustration for article titled Employee Leaves Performance Review With Clear, Identifiable Goal Of Surrendering To The Void

CINCINNATI—Saying the conversation with his manager had really helped him see the next steps for his time at the company, Celera Solutions employees Marcus Parker told reporters Wednesday that he had left a recent performance review with the clear, identifiable goal of surrendering to the void. “It wasn’t too long of a meeting, but hearing my boss tell me exactly where I’ve been coming up short this past year provided the perfect roadmap for giving myself over to the universe’s inherent meaninglessness,” said Parker, describing the process of gradually dissociating as he listened to his superior describe his failures in excruciating detail and why he would not be receiving an annual raise as a great way to set up the goal posts that he would need to eventually cast himself into the harrowing emptiness of life itself. “It’s easy to miss the forest for the trees, which is why it was so nice to have this open point-by-point discussion where I could really see that there is an infinite sadness underneath every action I take at this office and, actually, the world itself. Now I just have to keep my eye on the prize and continue following this game plan we drew up together, and I’ll probably be capitulating to the oppressive and absurd dirge of existence by the fourth quarter or so. Man, that’d be pretty nifty.” At press time, Parker was attempting to stay on track by using a visualization exercise recommended by his supervisor in which he closed his eyes and pictured himself hurling into the cosmic horror of deep space.


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