Encouraged Marine Biologists Project Oceans Will Be Nice, Simmering Seafood Bisque By 2040

KINGSTON, RI—Explaining that their recent findings indicated that climate change would have some positive effects on the environment, encouraged marine biologists at the University of Rhode Island projected Tuesday that the planet’s oceans will be a nice, simmering seafood bisque by 2040. “Within the next 20 years or so, we expect that global temperatures will have increased to the point that the majority of the ocean will be a delicious, hearty broth filled with perfectly cooked chunks of octopus, crab, and dolphin,” said marine biologist Carol Degner, adding that as long as humanity continues to warm the Earth at its current rate, people would be able to run down to almost any coastline on the planet with a ladle and a warm crust of garlic bread to dine on the bubbling, creamy dish. “Obviously, the soup’s contents will vary by geography—we’ll be seeing more swordfish and king mackerel in the Atlantic soup, lots of angel sharks and halibut in the Pacific soup, and some delicacies like slow-cooked walrus from the Arctic soup region. We suggest preparing for it by commandeering boats to travel out into the ocean now and start sprinkling in red pepper flakes or cajun seasoning so that by 2040, the ocean really hits the spot. The only real downside is that humanity may quickly deplete the planet’s supply of bread bowls.” The marine biologists did warn, however, that if the soup ends up being too good, it could lead to sea levels dropping precipitously.

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