ANCHORAGE, AK—Calling it a “scientific miracle” that could keep the species alive for generations to come, an encouraging report from the USGS Alaska Science Center found Wednesday that polar bears are evolving aerospace engineering skills necessary to escape an overheating planet. “According to our research, these polar bears, or Ursus maritimus, have not just developed a desire to flee Earth’s orbit, but also a rudimentary understanding of jet propulsion,” said lead researcher on the study Adam Yelnich, adding that he and his team had discovered various blueprints and makeshift spaceships constructed out of fish, driftwood, and ice scattered along the arctic coastal tundra. “While this is still a relatively new evolutionary development, older polar bears have routinely been spotted with their cubs, teaching them engineering and physics at an undergraduate level. Sadly, however, all of their test rockets have immediately exploded upon exiting the atmosphere, leaving the polar bears both stunned and confused.” At press time, Yelnich confirmed that polar bears had begun working around the clock on space travel after Russian snow leopards successfully launched a rocket into orbit.
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