PALO ALTO, CA—In a stunning accomplishment that far exceeded the company’s wildest hopes, Onion Social released a report Tuesday revealing that 45 percent of users had survived beta testing. “We easily expected an 80-90 percent mortality rate, so we couldn’t be more thrilled that nearly half of all testers will be able to keep leading what in many cases can still be rich and full lives,” said Onion Social CEO Jeremy Rosenbaum, telling reporters that the relatively few incidents of brain trauma and internal organ liquefaction at such an early stage meant they would likely be able to move up the site’s launch date. “We certainly still have some kinks to work out—many of our extant users have reported that their blood is no longer clotting, and all of them are now sterile—but 87 percent of survivors indicated that despite the lacerations, they found the platform intuitive, engaging, and simple to use. We actually suspect these numbers would have been even higher if not for the large subsection of testers currently in a catatonic state. At this point, we should be able to get our survival rate up to 75 percent with only a few more trials, and then we’ll be ready to hit the market.” At press time, Rosenbaum had been forced to amend his timetable after witnessing the remaining Onion Social beta testers begin to rot before his eyes.

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