WASHINGTON—In a gesture of encouragement toward the millions of Americans struggling to find work in a difficult job market, the U.S. Department of Labor told employment seekers today not to forget about the tons of dumbfucks out there.
Speaking at a morning press conference, department officials stressed that while there are still many more job applicants than job openings, those in need of work should take comfort in the knowledge that the pool of available labor in the United States includes all kinds of dimwits, morons, and complete fucking imbeciles.
“If you’re unemployed and applying for work, it’s important to remember that most of the candidates you’re up against are stupid as shit,” said Labor Secretary Thomas Perez, urging out-of-work Americans to stop a moment and consider just how many of their fellow citizens are drooling idiots who don’t have a goddamn clue about anything. “However frustrated you feel about your job prospects, understand that there’s a vast, grossly incompetent segment of the population you don’t have to worry about at all. If you show up on time with your shirt buttoned, you’re already doing far better than most everyone else.”
“Seriously, of all the people applying for all the available positions in the country right now, only about 50 or so actually have any idea what they’re doing,” Perez continued. “Those are the ones you’re really competing with. The rest are pretty much all dipshits.”
According to the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics, these clueless dopes can be found among candidates for every entry-level, managerial, and executive position throughout the public and private sectors. Recent data indicate that eight in 10 people interviewing for any given job reportedly spend the entire time staring blankly at the prospective employer, their mouth hanging open as they nod or shake their head in response to questions.
For every qualified applicant to a given job, the bureau’s statisticians found there are 37 dummies who fail to meet even one requirement for the position, 28 who can’t write a simple cover letter without sounding totally illiterate, and 15 who have to call multiple times on their way to the interview because they keep getting lost.
Data suggest only a handful of American job seekers can make it through a 10-minute phone interview without gibbering like a brainless halfwit who has no idea what time of the day it is or why anyone has called them in the first place.
“If you can attach a résumé to an email, you’re already in the 90th percentile of applicants in the U.S. workforce,” said Stacey Hines, a human resources executive at General Electric, citing the number of thick-witted job seekers who forget to include the document with their message and then immediately send a harried follow-up email in which they fail to send it once more. “Half of these things we throw in the trash immediately because some total dumbass has spelled the contact person’s name three different ways.”
Hines, who has spent more than three decades as a hiring manager for major companies, told reporters that it is rare to find a candidate who can form a halfway-coherent sentence that communicates a point and doesn’t trail off into a list of mumbled office jargon or stop abruptly for no apparent reason.
“As long as you’re not some slack-jawed pea brain who shows up with barbecue sauce smeared along the corner of your mouth, and the first words out of your mouth aren’t ‘How soon can I get paid?’ you’ll probably do just fine,” she said. “Just this morning, I had five big old dumbfucks outside my office who each thought they had an appointment at 9 a.m., so I interviewed all of them together just to get them out of the way.”
Labor economists confirmed the real problem facing unemployed Americans is the staggering number of giant assholes out there, since they’re the ones who always wind up getting the best-paying jobs.