AUSTIN, TX—Addressing the defendant in a searing indictment of his attachment to the material world, enlightened Judge Harry Nagel reportedly sentenced murderer Bill Kalinowski to ego death Friday by means of ayahuasca ceremony. “Due to his heinous crimes, Mr. Kalinowski will be forced to undergo a state-mandated ego death to deteriorate his deplorable connection to the craving self that gives rise to all suffering,” Judge Nagel said in the decision, citing Timothy Leary’s The Psychedelic Experience for precedent as he described the three-dose regimen of the plant-based spiritual substance that would bring an end to the man known as Bill Kalinowski and forever replace him with a non-dual embodiment of the cosmic thusness, the mystic one, and all-eternal-being of awakened reality. “The only just punishment for this sort of reprehensible behavior is obliterating the ego in a haze of love and death, seeing all that ever was and will be contained in the eternity of an instant, and finally witnessing reality itself fractalize before one’s eyes as the voice of Mother Gaia whispers to you in a universal language known not just to all humanity, but to the birds, the plants, and the dirt where sex and corpses and blooming and blood and semen all commingle into the rushing cosmic ocean of life. That is my judgment.” The judge concluded by noting that, simply put, an individual this contemptible deserved to be one with the universe.
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