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America's Finest News Source.

News In Brief

‘Jungle Cruise’ Hailed As Thrilling Reminder To Cancel Disney+

‘Jungle Cruise’ Hailed As Thrilling Reminder To Cancel Disney+

DaBaby Apologizes For Leaving Jews Out Of Offensive Rant

DaBaby Apologizes For Leaving Jews Out Of Offensive Rant

Nation Assures Kanye West They Don’t Care Enough About ‘Donda’ For Him To Be Stressing This Much

Nation Assures Kanye West They Don’t Care Enough About ‘Donda’ For Him To Be Stressing This Much

Slideshow

Scrapped Plot Lines That Would Have Changed Your Favorite Movies Forever

Scrapped Plot Lines That Would Have Changed Your Favorite Movies Forever

Drinks That Bartenders Hate The Most And Why

Drinks That Bartenders Hate The Most And Why

Celebrities Describe The Worst Parts Of Being Famous

Celebrities Describe The Worst Parts Of Being Famous

News In Photos

Nick Cannon Announces He’s About To Cum If Any Nearby Women Want Kids

Nick Cannon Announces He’s About To Cum If Any Nearby Women Want Kids

Marvel Film Producers Save Money By Stocking Craft Services With Poorly Rendered CGI Foods

Marvel Film Producers Save Money By Stocking Craft Services With Poorly Rendered CGI Foods

John Legend Releases Uplifting New Single About Healing Power Of Forgiving Chrissy Teigen

John Legend Releases Uplifting New Single About Healing Power Of Forgiving Chrissy Teigen

Infographic

The Strangest New Dating Shows On TV

The Strangest New Dating Shows On TV

MSNBC Turns 25

MSNBC Turns 25

5 Things To Know About ‘F9’

5 Things To Know About ‘F9’

Magazine

We Discovered More Awful Facts About Hitler, Though Still Not As Bad As The Main Hitler Stuff

We Discovered More Awful Facts About Hitler, Though Still Not As Bad As The Main Hitler Stuff

Volcanoes: Don’t Worry, They’re Still Loud!

Volcanoes: Don’t Worry, They’re Still Loud!

Could Puerto Rico Become America's 15th Good State?

Could Puerto Rico Become America's 15th Good State?

Onion Film Standard

The Onion Reviews ‘Wonder Woman 1984’

The Onion Reviews ‘Wonder Woman 1984’

The Onion Reviews ‘Mulan’

The Onion Reviews ‘Mulan’

The Onion Reviews ‘Onward’

The Onion Reviews ‘Onward’

Horoscopes

Your Horoscopes — Week Of November 17, 2020

Your Horoscopes — Week Of November 17, 2020

Your Horoscopes — Week Of November 10, 2020

Your Horoscopes — Week Of November 10, 2020

Your Horoscopes — Week Of October 20, 2020

Your Horoscopes — Week Of October 20, 2020

Behind the Scenes

‘Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom’ Casting Assistant Discusses Difficulties Of Finding Extras Who Are Willing To Be Eaten Alive<em></em>

‘Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom’ Casting Assistant Discusses Difficulties Of Finding Extras Who Are Willing To Be Eaten Alive

‘Incredibles 2’ Animator Describes How He Missed The Birth Of His First Child So Mr. Incredible Could Have Consistently Sized Penis Bulge<em></em>

‘Incredibles 2’ Animator Describes How He Missed The Birth Of His First Child So Mr. Incredible Could Have Consistently Sized Peni...

‘Ocean’s 8’ Production Assistant Describes What Rich Women Smell Like<em></em>

‘Ocean’s 8’ Production Assistant Describes What Rich Women Smell Like

Cooking

Food To Leave Out For God On Christmas Eve<em></em>

Food To Leave Out For God On Christmas Eve

A Quick And Simple Drywall Recipe That Kids With Pica Will Love<em></em>

A Quick And Simple Drywall Recipe That Kids With Pica Will Love

A Fun Recipe With Jackfruit You Should Learn To Avoid Looking Like A Knuckle-Dragging Dirt Person<em></em>

A Fun Recipe With Jackfruit You Should Learn To Avoid Looking Like A Knuckle-Dragging Dirt Person

Onion News Network

Stargazing Tips

Stargazing Tips

Reporter Investigates Claims He Ruined His Family's Thanksgiving Dinner

Reporter Investigates Claims He Ruined His Family's Thanksgiving Dinner

Wild Fall Break Parties Pose Risks For College Students

Wild Fall Break Parties Pose Risks For College Students

Time Killers

What Are We Sugarcoating?

What Are We Sugarcoating?

How Are We Failing Our Driving Test?

How Are We Failing Our Driving Test?

Least Popular Spring Break Packages

Least Popular Spring Break Packages

Onion Special Report

Report: Slamming Boss Against Wall, Shouting ‘Cash! I Need More Cash!’ Still Leading Tactic For Securing Raise

Report: Slamming Boss Against Wall, Shouting ‘Cash! I Need More Cash!’ Still Leading Tactic For Securing Raise

Greyhound Now Offering Premium Upgrade To Slightly Less Disgusting Seats

Greyhound Now Offering Premium Upgrade To Slightly Less Disgusting Seats

Report: Many Companies Now Offering Women Permanent, Unpaid Maternity Leave

Report: Many Companies Now Offering Women Permanent, Unpaid Maternity Leave

Onion Talks

Onion Talks: Hypothetically It Would Be Okay To Have Sex With A Robot Dog

Onion Talks: Hypothetically It Would Be Okay To Have Sex With A Robot Dog

The Only Person Who Can Help Me Get A Bus To Yonkers Is You

The Only Person Who Can Help Me Get A Bus To Yonkers Is You

Maximize Your Brainpower By Firing Every Neuron At Once

Maximize Your Brainpower By Firing Every Neuron At Once

StarFix

Michael Bay Gives Fans Sneak Peek At Ninja Turtles’ Hyper-Realistic CGI Genitals

Michael Bay Gives Fans Sneak Peek At Ninja Turtles’ Hyper-Realistic CGI Genitals

Is Emma Stone Sporting A Baby Bump? A Nine-Year-Old Boy Tells Us What He Thinks

Is Emma Stone Sporting A Baby Bump? A Nine-Year-Old Boy Tells Us What He Thinks

Actor Shows Incredible Lack Of Commitment To Role By Staying Out Of Character Even During Takes

Actor Shows Incredible Lack Of Commitment To Role By Staying Out Of Character Even During Takes

Gift Guide

The Onion’s 2013 Holiday Gift Guide

The Onion’s Father’s Day Gift Guide For The Active Dad

The Onion’s Father’s Day Gift Guide For Dad Around The House

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