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Entire Nation Placed Under Jamie Spears’ Conservatorship For Their Own Well-Being

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LOS ANGELES—Calling into question the U.S. populace’s physical and mental capacity, Los Angeles Superior Court Judge Brenda Penny ruled Friday that the entire nation would be placed under Jamie Spears’ conservatorship for their own well-being. “It is with the best interest of the nation in mind that I appoint Mr. Spears the conservator of all 328 million American people,” said Penny, who granted the 68-year-old Louisiana man full legal, financial, and medical control of the country’s residents in an emergency order that went into effect immediately. “There is clear and ample evidence that the nation lacks the ability to care for themselves at this time. The American people have long demonstrated a pattern of erratic and irresponsible behavior, so Mr. Spears will be stepping up to manage their personal and business affairs. He’ll be assisted by a financial group whose members, of course, will also be under the conservatorship of Mr. Spears.” At press time, the American people had excitedly announced a new Las Vegas residency at Planet Hollywood.