WHITE PLAINS, NY—Stunned and visibly offended by the sheer volume of facial hair visible before them, every single customer at local diner Hubbard's this morning was reportedly eyeing 28-year-old fellow patron David Kellerman and mentally shaving off his beard. “God, look at how full and overgrown that thing is, and it goes all the way down his neck—that thing has to go,” said diner Eva Richardson, who like her fellow patrons, was in the process of envisioning herself lathering up Kellerman’s face, grabbing a disposable razor, and getting rid of the whole thicket of hair right then and there. “That guy might be able to pull off a bit of stubble or maybe, just maybe some sideburns, but a beard that big and bushy? No way. I swear, if I had a razor on me, that thing would be in a pile on the floor right now.” The daydreaming diner customers added that, if they had the proper accoutrements, they might as well head over to the corner table of older men and fix several decades of unchecked eyebrow growth while they're at it.

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