BRISTOL, CT—Noting that they had continued watching various games with the hope that something noteworthy would eventually happen, millions of sports fans expressed their disappointment Friday after an entire week passed without a single athlete making a play. “At no point over the past seven days have we seen a pro or college athlete from any sport do something that could even remotely be considered a highlight,” said SportsCenter anchor Linda Cohn, adding that the hundreds of sporting events in the U.S. and around the world did not feature even one slam dunk, goal, save, acrobatic catch, stolen base, last-second buzzer-beater, home run, triple, double, or single. “I mean, right now our ‘Top 10 Plays’ countdown just has a few NBA stars shooting free throws and some high school tennis player from Florida hitting a serve into play. Hopefully, somebody will at least turn a double play or score a tough three-pointer this weekend, but at this rate, it’s hard to say.” Cohn went on to state that despite the unfortunate lull, the week had still managed to produce the usual number of brutal, horrifying sports injuries.

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