SANTA BARBARA, CA—Saying the world must act quickly to save the chewy organisms before it was too late, environmentalists warned Tuesday that the world’s Swedish Fish population has been decimated by the Great Pacific Sour Patch. “For years, humanity has increased its sour candy production, dumping unnatural levels of mouth-puckering flavor into the ocean and leaving these defenseless creatures to pay the cost,” said oceanologist Dr. Rachel Solnit, describing the heart-wrenching sight of Swedish Fish tangled in peach rings and gummy cola bottles after swimming close to the 270,0000-square-mile stretch of sweet-and-sour debris. “Entire schools of Swedish Fish will often mistake the patch’s Sour Straws for a food source only to get trapped in the mass’s powerful undertow along with chocolate turtles and gummy sharks. We try to rescue as many as we can, but ultimately, Swedish Fish were never supposed to be exposed to this level of blue raspberry tartness.” At press time, the Sierra Club abandoned an attempt to clean up a large segment of the patch using a 10,000-mile-long Fun Dip stick.
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