NEW YORK—In a press conference calling for an end to the persistent scourge on local residents, New York Mayor Eric Adams announced Tuesday a $4 billion budget increase to help the city’s police department fight ghosts. “For too long, these phantoms and wayward spirits have terrorized our citizens and afflicted this great city’s streets with spooky mayhem,” said Adams, decrying the previous administration for being too beholden to supernatural special interests to equip the police with the tools necessary to stand up to the mischievous and macabre. “Any New York City resident who has a tip about a malicious poltergeist, be it a spectral longshoreman or a demonic killer in Hell’s Kitchen, can now call our tip line and rest assured that NYPD will arrive promptly and with the instruments needed for a full-scale exorcism. And frankly, it’s about time: Our subways are covered with ectoplasm. Central Park is filled with ghastly coachmen led by cadaverous horses. It’s time for New York to stand up and say to these ghouls: We will not be spooked!” Adams then became emotional as he noted that growing up in Brooklyn and Queens, he had seen far too many of his childhood friends possessed by wraiths and driven into a life of bone-chilling hauntings.
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