NEW YORK—In an outpouring of admiration from fellow commuters, New York Mayor Eric Adams was praised as a man of the people Tuesday for masturbating on a subway car. “Man, I was wrong about you—you’re on the train beating your meat just like the rest of us,” said local dishwasher Paulo Silva, touching himself as he explained to Adams that the politician had proven his salt-of-the-earth status by showing that he was not afraid to stare at uncomfortable women on public transit until he ejaculated. “You’re not like those elitists DeBlasio and Bloomberg, who would only jerk their pud in a limo. No, you’re one of us, a regular everyday pervert who jacks off every day on the subway.” At press time, sources confirmed Adams had further increased his bona fides with average New Yorkers by killing and eating a wounded pigeon he found on the street.
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